i used to be so...so...amazing. not in the "oh look at me i rule" kinda way but more in the "i'm quietly taking notice of all around me and conclude that i'm in an awesome situation presently" kinda way. like feeling myself doing great things and going places. and now i'm just this blob (physically and mentally) and i watch too much tv and i spend too much money and i'm too consummed by the stupid shit and the idiotic shit. like i used to have potential. and now what? i have a semi-cool apt. i've spent all this money and it isn't even a "cool" apt, its just ight. its a few steps above yuppidom. i think i want to move back down to trenton in april but i don't know how that would work. (nina, ideas??) and what if i suck at grad school again? and ohmigawd i feel dumb as a motherfucking brick lately and can't figure out why that is. sigh sigh sigh. what the fuck am i doing with my life????? i was going to have amazing adventures and do crazy things and now i'm going to be a substitute teacher and live in my crappy apt and wish that i was elsewhere. my head is ponding and all i want is a venti black iced tea with lemons from starbucks. like in the worst possible way. and a smoke. speaking of which, i think im going to stop smoking up bc it doesnt lead to anything productive. oh and tomorrow i get to have a meeting at 9:30am where everyone will forget everything that has happened by 11. augh!