Jackie (missgogh) wrote,

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what the fuck happened to me? (rant heavy)

i used to be so...so...amazing. not in the "oh look at me i rule" kinda way but more in the "i'm quietly taking notice of all around me and conclude that i'm in an awesome situation presently" kinda way.  like feeling myself doing great things and going places. and now i'm just this blob (physically and mentally) and i watch too much tv and i spend too much money and i'm too consummed by the stupid shit and the idiotic shit. like i used to have potential. and now what? i have a semi-cool apt. i've spent all this money and it isn't even a "cool" apt, its just ight. its a few steps above yuppidom.  i think i want to move back down to trenton in april but i don't know how that would work.  (nina, ideas??) and what if i suck at grad school again? and ohmigawd i feel dumb as a motherfucking brick lately and can't figure out why that is. sigh sigh sigh.   what the fuck am i doing with my life?????  i was going to have amazing adventures and do crazy things and now i'm going to be a substitute teacher and live in my crappy apt and wish that i was elsewhere. my head is ponding and all i want is a venti black iced tea with lemons from starbucks. like in the worst possible way. and a smoke. speaking of which, i think im going to stop smoking up bc it doesnt lead to anything productive. oh and tomorrow i get to have a meeting at 9:30am where everyone will forget everything that has happened by 11. augh!
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are you in my head?!
why are you jonesing for Starbucks iced tea too? ;o)

how did the move go? or did it happen yet? sorry, i'm bad with keeping track of stuff.
Its ok Jackie poo. I believe there is going to be a vacancy in my house come the end ogf August. I would talk to Janet about it. I mean, this is a pretty sweet deal. If not, I can look around for some affordable housing. What's your price range looking like?

I hope you got your coffee. I could use some as well. I had a sleep over with Noel and he woke me up a couple dozen times. I like sleep overs and all, but I am quite used to sleeping alone.

Don't worry about 'sucking' at Grad school. Think about it, things have changed a lot. You won't be working full time or dealing with Ellen's bullshit. You won't have to deal with full time status anymore. This time around, grad school is all about you. Plus, you know more than you think you do. At this point, its just untapped manna. Your knowledge is on reserve. Working crazy hours at a thankless job and stressing about family ish for a year and some change right out of school will do that to a person.

As for the meeting, take notes. Thats what I have to do. As with life. Take notes. Jot shit down so you don't forget. And remember, if all else fails, there is always ginko, my friend.
yeah, talk to janet for me. i mean i'll prob stay at my place but just so i know my options.

sigh...i want to reply to all you wrote but i am just so drained right now. thanks for the encouragment thou!